Sobriety Sucks

So I've been pretty bummed that I, as a contractor, fall under General Order #1. Reading it looks like the name of a chinese restaurant. Anyways, general order #1 is also considered the "vice" clause.

The order tells the armed services and anyone else working on behalf of the government they are prohibited from consuming alcohol, having sexual activities with local and third country nationals, offering food considered forbidden (haraam) under Islam to local nationals, and proselytizing by United States Department of Defense personnel while in a combat zone and certain pre-deployment training activities.

I'm not too interesting in sex with the locals, nor do I care about what food is or isn't allowed under Islam. I'm not putting a figurative bacon gun to a local's head and forcing them to eat it. But that hasn't stopped the food here from being 80% pork products. I might be overestimating the percentage, but it's still pretty high.

I'm also in full agreement about the anti-proselytizing initiative but judging from past actions, that order hasn't been followed by contractors supplying weapons or the military members wielding them.

Judging from this small, incomprehensive list of "no-no's" I don't see the justification for the no alcohol portion, and it's not because I'm an alcoholic.

I've heard rumors that the Germans have beer at their camp. The number of times I've thought about requesting asylum is pretty high. The rumors appear to be true. My half-german blood is boiling. Maybe it's finally time to get that dual citizenship.

I've even been perusing the internet for sites that discuss sobriety. It's no surprise all these web site are geared towards hardcore alcoholics. I should invite them all over to Afghanistan. Maybe I can start a new sobriety program here instead of that weak AA bullshit that also seems to be another organization devoted to proselytizing its members.

All they have to do is live together in a big house in Kabul and go bar hopping. No, it's not a Jersey Shore ripoff. Imagine the depressed alcoholic having drinks in his neighborhood ex-pat bar when a band of armed Afghan police officers raid the bar and take him to jail.

"Whats the crime officer?" the drunkard mumbles.

"Immorality, sir." the Afghan officer says bluntly.

"Immortality, hkjfherkhf jkehfjehrf?

So the poor bastard goes to an Afghan jail for two years and he's cured! I'm gonna have to find a publicist to sell this. But, I'm sure sucess will sell itself. Its not like AA where some alcoholic is just gonna relapse again and again. The guy that's been in an Afghan jail for two years is probably gonna stay sober. And when they are finally sober, they won't be thanking god, they'll be thanking me.

Guess I can always drink Beck's - Non Alcoholic until I get home with a very low tolerance and a large appetite.

-Danny

The Shower Situation

As was previously stated, I shower a little bit less frequently here than in the states. I know some of you may think this is gross, but there's been times I've come back from the shower feeling dirtier.

It seems that whenever I muster the effort to travel to the converted shower trailer, I always run into the local population. I guess the showers are open to the public (or anybody that can access the base) because they are always there washing there god damn feet in the sink.

According to Islam (we will be picking the Sunni brand for this example) Muslims are required to bathe before being in the presence of Allah . So, to not make their God angry, they "make wudu" and do the following things:

1. First make Niyyah (Intension) saying Bismillahir rahmanir rahim (In the name of Allah the most Merciful, the most Kind); then wash both hands up to the wrists three times making sure that water has reached between the fingers.
2. Next, put a handful of water into the month and rince it thoroughly three times
3. After this sniff water into the nostrils three times to clean them and then wash the tip of the nose.
4. Wash the face three times from right ear to left and from forehead to throat.
5. Wash the right arm and then left arm thoroughly from wrist to elbow three times.
6. Then move the wet palms of both hands over head, starting from the top of the forehead to the back of the head.
7. Then pass the wet tips of index fingers into the grooves and holes of both ears and also pass the wet thumbs behind the ears.
8. Next pass the backs of wet hands over the nape.
9. Finally, wash both feet to the ankles starting from the right foot making sure the water has reached between the toes and all other parts of the feet.

If you were able to read these ridiculous instructions, I'm impressed. If I had to do this shit, there better be some detailed instructional videos with celebrities. In fact, if these videos don't exist, they definitely should! Seems like a sound investment to me. Who's in?

The sounds coming from these showers are frightening. I've never heard a person do so many snot rockets in such a small enclosed space. Their nasal passages may be finally clear, but I'm pretty sure they sprayed the entire shower enclosure with their fucking mucus. I'm certain my shower flip flops won't protect me from the drip, drip, drip of bodily fluids.

Can't wait to shower next time!

Alayhis Salaam,

-Danny

The longest food delivery ever.

I had a quarter pounder today. Not just any quarter pounder. It traveled all the way from Dubai on a 2 hour flight. Ba da ba ba ba. I'm lovin' it.

The Hanging Bacon Gardens of Babylon

Construction continues here although this base is supposed to be a “temporary” post. Afghan contractors have been hired to build many of the new structures and they tend to use our porta-johns. There's been some talk about stopping them from using our “facilities” and talk turned to action today, when I discovered a strange ornament hanging inside the porta-john.

This is what bathroom politics looks like in a war zone dominated by religion:

That's right. Delicious, scrumptious BACON!

In my opinion, it was just a terrible waste. I wonder if this will scare those Afghan contractors away? I'm pretty sure that bacon doesn't afflict pain on Muslims the way Crucifixes and Garlic harm vampires. But, then again, I've only been in the country for a couple weeks and these Army guys must know something I don't.

For now, just to be safe, I'll sleep with a few slabs of bacon around my bed for protection.

-Danny

This is Helm's Deep

So I finally started a blog. Forgive me. It's the best way to pass the time here in Afsuckistan.

I tried updating my first post but all the text was in Pashto. Below, you will find an example of what Google looks like in the Arabic world! I bring you the most exciting, exotic information!

For those few (or many) as ignorant as I was when entering this country, this is the primary language spoken in Afghanistan. Although they also speak Dari. Knowledge is power!

Anyways, I wasn't able to decipher their elvish, Lord of the Rings-esque language so I had to go back to the office to post my blog. In many ways Afghanistan is much like the world of Lord of the Rings....

The Orcs (Taliban) come out at night from the underworld to feast on the flesh of the living (Americans). But they cannot enter our fortified tower at Helm's Deep! The world of man has built a strong, fortified base but beyond the walls of my kingdom Orcs and Wild Men of Dunland (terrorists), incited by Saruman (Osama), are freely roaming the land, burning villages, massacring the people and destroying crops (Poppy fields).

So apparently, you can turn any shitty fantasy/adventure story into an allegory. Thanks, J. R. R. Tolkien (not really).

-Danny

Adjusting

I have a green sheet above my bed so the beetles dont leave sawdust all over my bed when im sleeping. they like eating that wood!

It feels like my previous forts as a child were better built than this shack, but i guess its still a roof over my head.

speaking of heads, the bathrooms are great. just kidding, there arent any. just some port-a-johns that compete for the worst shitters in the world. for a split second i almost thought i was at coachella..i wish.

showers are a few min down the road. far enough for me to stay dirty for an extra day or two. it doesn't help that the water is permanently stuck at absolute zero.

weather here sucks too. too cold at night and too hazy and dusty during the day. they do have some great mountains, too bad they can't use them for tourism. imagine skiing down a black diamond and getting blown to bits cause of some old soviet mine or rocket. now thats a challenging slope. apparently, the snow lasts until june. pretty impressive.

food here is okay.long lines and lots of fried stuff that I don't even eat in the states. burger king and pizza hut are finally leaving at the end of the month so i better hurry quick and order a whopper and some pepperoni pizza.

lots of the locals clean up the chow hall and do work around the base. wonder how much the military pays them. also lots of third world nationals that work for contractors making the food and doing other things.

This base is a real stimulus package.

-danny