Sobriety Sucks

So I've been pretty bummed that I, as a contractor, fall under General Order #1. Reading it looks like the name of a chinese restaurant. Anyways, general order #1 is also considered the "vice" clause.

The order tells the armed services and anyone else working on behalf of the government they are prohibited from consuming alcohol, having sexual activities with local and third country nationals, offering food considered forbidden (haraam) under Islam to local nationals, and proselytizing by United States Department of Defense personnel while in a combat zone and certain pre-deployment training activities.

I'm not too interesting in sex with the locals, nor do I care about what food is or isn't allowed under Islam. I'm not putting a figurative bacon gun to a local's head and forcing them to eat it. But that hasn't stopped the food here from being 80% pork products. I might be overestimating the percentage, but it's still pretty high.

I'm also in full agreement about the anti-proselytizing initiative but judging from past actions, that order hasn't been followed by contractors supplying weapons or the military members wielding them.

Judging from this small, incomprehensive list of "no-no's" I don't see the justification for the no alcohol portion, and it's not because I'm an alcoholic.

I've heard rumors that the Germans have beer at their camp. The number of times I've thought about requesting asylum is pretty high. The rumors appear to be true. My half-german blood is boiling. Maybe it's finally time to get that dual citizenship.

I've even been perusing the internet for sites that discuss sobriety. It's no surprise all these web site are geared towards hardcore alcoholics. I should invite them all over to Afghanistan. Maybe I can start a new sobriety program here instead of that weak AA bullshit that also seems to be another organization devoted to proselytizing its members.

All they have to do is live together in a big house in Kabul and go bar hopping. No, it's not a Jersey Shore ripoff. Imagine the depressed alcoholic having drinks in his neighborhood ex-pat bar when a band of armed Afghan police officers raid the bar and take him to jail.

"Whats the crime officer?" the drunkard mumbles.

"Immorality, sir." the Afghan officer says bluntly.

"Immortality, hkjfherkhf jkehfjehrf?

So the poor bastard goes to an Afghan jail for two years and he's cured! I'm gonna have to find a publicist to sell this. But, I'm sure sucess will sell itself. Its not like AA where some alcoholic is just gonna relapse again and again. The guy that's been in an Afghan jail for two years is probably gonna stay sober. And when they are finally sober, they won't be thanking god, they'll be thanking me.

Guess I can always drink Beck's - Non Alcoholic until I get home with a very low tolerance and a large appetite.

-Danny