A Mighty Wind

It's getting hotter and windier everyday. To find yourself in a porta-john in the middle of the day is a hazardous gamble, and I don't think I wanna take the risk any longer.  The picture is evidence enough.

Blowouts and Flat Tops

To my chagrin, after several failed attempts, I will not be consuming any alcohol or pizza as previously stated in my earlier blog entry. Fate has handed me a heavy blow and I must accept it. However, since I've been busy running around the base, I had the privilege of sighting a Jersey "Blow-Out" donned by a member of the Navy. I'm not sure what role the Navy is playing in the war in Afghanistan, but if I were a terrorist, that blow-out would stick out like a sore thumb.

After witnessing that dreadful hair-don't I decided it was time to visit the Spa and Massage parlor. I figured that shorter hair would allow me to go longer without shampooing and washing. The parlor is run by Koreans and they were organized and swift so the wait wasn't as long as it appeared to be. They were pumping some Metallica and Evanescence through their computer speakers in an attempt to provide some semblance of normality. I don't think it worked. It's hard to forget you're in a war zone with service members in their uniforms and their weapons close at hand.

I told the hair stylist (I am using this title liberally) that I wanted it short around the ears and just trimmed up top. A simple request that should yield a positive result. I was wrong. Something I said must have translated to "Give me the Dolph Lundgren look from Rocky IV, please." Anyways, I never realized that the Dolph Lundgren Flat-Top and the Jersey Blow-Out are inbred cousins of one another. The only real difference is that the Jersey Blow-Out uses product that Dolph Lundgren probably could only dream of in the 80's.

-Danny

Incommunicado

It appears that Dionysus answered my prayers. In about a day I'll be on a base with alcohol and pizza. Don't worry, unless the Italians and Spaniards are under the same influence as the residents of Bon Temps, Louisiana, it should be a great time.

Unfortunately, I'll be incommunicado for about a week so that means no internet chatting, e-mails, or blog posts to keep myself entertained. Of course, even in Afghanistan, this is the 21st Century and they happen to have a functional cellular network with about 3.5 million subscribers so I'll be using my cell phone.

If they have Smirnoff Ice, I'm gonna have to ICE someone. I'd probably be the first to ICE someone in Afghanistan; a truly remarkable achievement.

Laundry Services

It appears that the continuing influx of soldiers has disrupted the laundry services, lengthening the amount of time it takes to launder everybody's clothes. I'm normally not too worried with a 3-5 day waiting period, but today is the 6th day I've been waiting to recover my clothes, and what makes this so troubling is that I've finally ran out of clean things to wear.

In reality, it's actually been about 3 days for pants and shirts, but recycling these items isn't usually a problem; however, today I've had to wear the same underwear I wore yesterday. I suppose a trip to the PX is required today but the only offerings are usually tighty whities. 

With this dirty mustache and the more "traditional" underwear, I'm feeling and looking more like my old man. Whether that's a positive thing, only time will tell, and with still over 2 months remaining, I'll have plenty of it to twirl my hair and reflect.

-Danny

Never a Dull Moment

This morning I woke up and went to work and then this happened.

The Kung Fu Kid

Forget all this talk about oil spills, supreme court nominations, volcanos and the ongoing war in Afghanistan. I just learned that Hollywood is putting out a reboot of The Karate Kid franchise (can't believe it's actually a franchise) starring Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

The plot summary (yes, I actually read it) is almost identical to the original, except for a few things. The Karate Kid doesn't learn karate, he learns Kung Fu.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

Instead of Southern California, the setting is China and Jaden Smith's character, the supposed KARATE KID, learns Kung Fu to beat up all those Chinese bullies. If I were a Japanese martial artist I would be pissed. Apparently, nobody of Japanese descent works in Hollywood. After all, as far as history is concerned, the Japanese and Chinese are practically arch-enemies. To confuse their versions of martial arts must be offensive to the people who actually practice them, but I digress. Mr Miagi would turn over in his grave if he ever saw this come to fruition.

Maybe it's one of those secretly symbolic movies that can be better appreciated under the severe influence of psychotropic drugs. As this is one of those "I learn martial arts to fight the bully" movies, maybe the Kung Fu kid symbolizes modern America's attempt to regain its military and technological power by beating up that new pesky bully, China. Learning Kung Fu, in this sense, is military espionage and once the Kung Fu Kid makes his discovery he sabotages China's plans for world domination. He eventually returns to the lower 48 so we may continue our hegemony over the world. Oh, what a perfect world it would be again.

I think I'm gonna have to pull a Crane Kick on Hollywood's ass.

(I've just realized I've been here for far too long.)

-Danny

(Hair) Growing Pains

As many of you may know, I've been 'itching' to grow some facial hair during my deployment. And since I would be out of the country for 4 months, I would escape the incessant ridicule and laughter doled out by my state-side friends and family.

When I first arrived in Afghanistan, there were two striking things Iimmediately noticed. First, the beautiful mountain ranges juxtaposed with the dirty, polluted military structures and second,  the omnipresent styled facial hair, whether it was a mustache, traditional beard, goatee, etc.

Of all the places I would expect to accept my attempt to grow facial hair, this had to be the place. So, as of today, I have not shaved for a solid 6 weeks. I would have posted a picture of my current follicle challenged disposition sooner but I was afraid that I didn't possess a camera with enough resolution that would give it any justice.

My greatest fear is that I will look something like this but with blonde hair.

I think I'm gonna go for the Don Quixote look - really pointy all over. Lucky for everybody, I'll be getting back a couple months before Halloween, so to really bring my costumed look to life, I'm sure I can find some medieval armor around here somewhere. They're literally back in the Middle Ages, right? The difference in time zones is vast.

-Danny

Wind of 120 Days

Judging from the past few days, it appears the wind of 120 days has begun. Air pressure differences between Afghanistan's northern Plains and southern deserts force strong winds to blow between the central mountains of Afghanistan and the mountains of eastern Iran. These winds can reach speeds of up to 115 mph during the 120-day period between June and September. You can see why I was afraid of the porta-john tipping over.

Unfortunately, there are no Marilyn Monroe dresses to be lifted upwards, no colorful kites to be flown, and no turbines to harness the wind to generate electricity.

The wind carries with it the dirt, dust, and garbage around the base and sends it right into my face. At least I get to wear my cool Afghan scarf!

I suppose there's one advantage to all this wind: The great time-honored tradition of American flag waving.

-Danny

Do I have pink eye??

A couple days ago I had to go out in the field to collect some data. Having spent the majority of the day outside, I was left to the mercy of the elements - wind, earth, and even rain. If only I were affected by fire and heart, I could have summoned Captain Planet. 

Anyways, these earthly elements entered my ocular cavity which caused me to develop a swollen and pinkish eye. My coworkers assumed it was ass eye which is street slang for conjunctivitis - pink eye. It's amazing how these suspicions turn people into Lepers. I was immediately cast away for fear I would infect the entire office. I hoped they were wrong.

The next day I examined my eye and to my surprise - no pink, no crust, no problem. I guess the wind will continue to blow around all this pollen and dirt, worsening my allergy situation. The wind has been so strong that when I was in the porta john earlier, I became increasingly worried that it may tip over, leaving me to swim in a sea of human excrement. 

Now, that's how you get pink eye, among other things.

Monetizing a Blog

Have you noticed something different about the blog recently? If you haven't, you must have your Mozilla ad blocker working because I just decided to monetize my blog of 14 followers! Don't worry, I won't be quitting my day job anytime soon. And that's mainly because I'm stuck here in Afghanistan and I'd rather not have to pay the out of pocket expenses to leave this place.

Some of the advertisements I've seen seem pretty useful if you have alcoholism or are interested in buying the latest episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, "Perverted." Does this blog have a 'perv' quality to it? I'm not sure how that ad made its way to my blog but if I get a 5 dollar check in the mail, I can cash it and let it pay for the cost of a Big Mac. Well, almost the full cost of a Big Mac.

-Danny

Momma Said Knock Me Up

In celebration of Mother's Day, the chow hall was decorated with pink and red hearts. These obviously were not mother's day specific decorations, just leftover valentine's day decorations that someone thought could pass for the mother's day holiday. It appeared this day couldn't get any more Freudian but I was wrong.

We were presented with a DJ blaring music in honor of all our mothers, courtesy of the US military. Unfortunately, the tunes were more of the "Bump and Grind" variety and it sent the chow hall environment into Oedipus complex overdrive.

Or the music may have simply been an attempt to subliminally order our military brothers and siters to make some sons and daughters, thus making more mothers! Regardless, it was weird.

Happy Mother's Day!

-Danny

(Deranged) Hearts and Minds

So the unit I work for happens to be making merchandise. We are called Task Force Odin. I got an interesting email detailing all the products they offered and it included things such as patches, hats, shirts and guns. I would have purchased a gun but they were 800 dollars, and that's just too expensive for something I would hardly ever use. Maybe I could move to a more violent area of DC, like Anacostia. My gun would surely be getting more action in that part of town.

Anyways, here is the infamous shirt that they will be attempting to sell to us:

Yeah. Crazy. For 14 dollars you can look like a 17 year old lead singer of a Norwegian metal band. Unfortunately, the leather pants will set you back over 200 dollars. But since it's summer, you might get a better deal. So what kind of dark soul would actually think this would be appropriate material for a shirt? Our unit's symbol is a deranged dog that's most likely suffering from rabies or some sort of zombie plague.

And to top it off, there's a phrase that reads “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.” As if Shakespeare hasn't already been exploited enough. What makes this phrase even more troubling is that it was meant for soldiers to pillage and spread chaos. Those are some great orders coming from our military commanders. I'm no military strategist, but I'm pretty sure pillaging and bringing chaos won't win us the hearts and minds of the Afghan people.
-Danny

Made In...Italy

Some of my favorite things are exports of Italy – pizza, Lamborghinis, high-end fashion, supermodels that wear the high-end fashion, the Italian Chandelier, Vespas, Rome (the television series and the actual city), firearms, wine, food processing gear. The list goes on.

I can now add Porta-Johns to the list. I had no idea I was sitting in an Italian human garbage collector until I looked up while attempting to fight off the swarm of flies with my free hand and there it read: “MADE IN ITALY”

Interestingly enough, I had recently heard that one of the Italian bases on the other side of the country happens to not only have Italian porta-johns, but eternal flowing rivers of alcohol and - not just one - but 4 pizzerias! A pity, that the only Italian product we have here is a shitter. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice one. It's firm, it has a great post-modern design and it's generally kept clean. It even has one of the best locking mechanisms around to prevent the overzealous soldier (or more often than not - Chow hall victim) from finding you in the most vulnerable of positions.

But I'd trade all that in a hot second for a few cold brews and a genuine slice of Italian pizza.

Arrivederci!

-Danny

Gangs of DC

Among the many things to ponder in Afghanistan are the things you plan on doing when you return to the states, which doesn't make the time here pass any quicker.

So one of my first priorities is to learn how to ride a motorcycle. This, of course, leads to the inevitable formation of a biker gang. So far I've recruited Javid as one of the gang members. Joe says he will join us on my former scooter. If you have any interest in joining this gang, send applications to my email address.

Although I have no prior biker gang experience, I'm pretty sure the most important decision is branding the gang with an unforgettable, bad-ass name that strikes fear and intimidation into the hearts and minds of pedestrians and operators of four-wheeled vehicles. I've come up with a list of gang names and if anybody would like to throw their 2 cents in, feel free to make suggestions or comments.

-Birds of War

A reference to an Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode in which they put on a wrestling match for the soldiers and fight the Taliban villain. A perfect fit, being in a war zone. We could even chant the song as we cruise the streets of Arlington and DC:

"The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!?"

-Yuppie Brigade

Unfortunately, its most likely we will be ridiculed for being yuppies on motorcycles. We might as well embrace the word like so many other minorities have embraced their derogatory slurs. To take it even further, we could even wear suits to display our Yuppie pride. And if we still get ridiculed, I'll have my lawyer...Sean?....draft some legal papers claiming slander. That will show them!

-Son's of Order

Let's face it. We aren't gonna be breaking very many laws and turning our lovely neighborhoods into gang districts, attempting to banish the other biker gangs in the dc area (if any exist).

In any case, it will certainly be a sight to be seen.

-Danny

TPS Report

There's been some significant progress with the Toilet Paper Situation (TPS) - they have finally discovered and/or invented quadruple ply toilet paper. Who would have thought that the single ply would be so "inefficient"???

I suppose the government is probably footing the extra dime but my ass certainly is thankful. Thank you Uncle Sam!

Fighting for Freedom...to dance.