The Kung Fu Kid

Forget all this talk about oil spills, supreme court nominations, volcanos and the ongoing war in Afghanistan. I just learned that Hollywood is putting out a reboot of The Karate Kid franchise (can't believe it's actually a franchise) starring Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

The plot summary (yes, I actually read it) is almost identical to the original, except for a few things. The Karate Kid doesn't learn karate, he learns Kung Fu.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

Instead of Southern California, the setting is China and Jaden Smith's character, the supposed KARATE KID, learns Kung Fu to beat up all those Chinese bullies. If I were a Japanese martial artist I would be pissed. Apparently, nobody of Japanese descent works in Hollywood. After all, as far as history is concerned, the Japanese and Chinese are practically arch-enemies. To confuse their versions of martial arts must be offensive to the people who actually practice them, but I digress. Mr Miagi would turn over in his grave if he ever saw this come to fruition.

Maybe it's one of those secretly symbolic movies that can be better appreciated under the severe influence of psychotropic drugs. As this is one of those "I learn martial arts to fight the bully" movies, maybe the Kung Fu kid symbolizes modern America's attempt to regain its military and technological power by beating up that new pesky bully, China. Learning Kung Fu, in this sense, is military espionage and once the Kung Fu Kid makes his discovery he sabotages China's plans for world domination. He eventually returns to the lower 48 so we may continue our hegemony over the world. Oh, what a perfect world it would be again.

I think I'm gonna have to pull a Crane Kick on Hollywood's ass.

(I've just realized I've been here for far too long.)

-Danny